caught in the act

There are tears coming now. Slow, you know. The tears she hadn’t wanted to shed, the tears had had been building up since well, since she stepped on this thing and the beep went off. Wanted to stay strong, like she always did. Stay strong as she talked about what she’d actually thought when she first met him- something along the lines of OH MY GOD IT’S HIM IT’S HIM AND i’mtakinghiminforquestioning but EXCUSE ME FAVORITE AUTHOR. About how she had broken up with Demming and was going to tell him that she’d come to the Hamptons with him. How different things would be now if she had. How she loved his insane theories, how she loved his annoying habits and how he always reorganized her books every time he was over so that his were at the forefront. How he’d waited and waited for her to call, how she’d been too afraid to dig all of that up again when the love and him were so intertwined still with the shooting and the trauma and the pain. How she hated to do it to him, but hated to have him see her so weak. They went through everything together, every last inch of their history they could fit into the scarce time she… well…

“How much time?” she manages to get out, stronger than she had expected, dodging Castle’s agonized gaze as the bomb squad rep came in. He was shifting around a bit, avoiding Castle’s expectant gaze and her teary eyes. Bad news.

“Just under two minutes,” he says quietly, “We think it’d be best if Mr. Castle were to leave the room as soon as possible.”

“No,” Castle says, “No, I’m not leaving her.”

“I’m not letting you throw your life away,” she says, meeting his eyes again, “I can’t let you stay here.”

“What are you going to do to stop me?” he says weakly, blue eyes agonized and clouded over already with grief and the hint of tears, “I won’t leave you alone here with that thing.”

“Castle,” she pleads, “Think of Alexis, your mother. Promise me you’ll go. I’ll…” she swallowed, “I’ll be okay. For me. Just promise me you’ll… you’ll go.”

“I…”

“A minute and a half, Mr. Castle.”

“Rick, please.”

“…fine,” he forces out after a long silence, “For you, I’d do anything, Kate. But…”

“I know,” she whispers, “We’ve had a good run, Castle. But it’s time to say goodbye.”

“One minute. We’ve got to go.”

“I love you, Kate,” he manages out, “Always have and always will.”

“I know,” she says, not knowing if she’ll be able to get on past this, “I know.”

He turns and leaves, eyes never leaving her as he disappears around the door frame. Last time she’ll see his beautiful eyes, that ruggedly handsome face, hear that storyteller’s voice-

And somehow the beeps have already counted down her seconds to 10.

And too late, too late, she whispers an answer she’ll never have the chance to say to him, the words he’ll never get to hear from a future they’ll never have-

“I love you.”

—

Looks like this is it, Beckett.

With tears careening down your face and a whole lot of regrets hanging over your head- you’re going to be an exploded pile of mush in a couple of seconds. You should probably be a bit worried. Considering you’ve got five beeps left to go.

But all she did was look up at that dull ceiling, close her eyes… and feel an overarching feeling of a quasi-peace with herself. I mean, a pressure-triggered bomb in their suspect’s apartment isn’t really what she’d been expecting would kill her, but she hadn’t expected to get shot at a funeral, or almost freeze to death, or have her apartment blown up, or having to diffuse a nuclear bomb that would destroy New York, or almost get eaten by a tiger, or to almost drown in the Hudson River… or to fall in love with Richard Castle. That was all stuff she hadn’t expected. Everyday life was full of things like that- maybe not as grand as that, but it was.

And some days, well that surprise is getting killed by a bomb.

Speaking of.

4 beeps to go.

Guess they were right about that whole time slowing down when you’re about to die thing. Though in past experiences it was never quite to this extent. And she was pretty much an expert on almost dying, you can take her word for it.

3 to go.

Well, maybe the only thing that unsettled her was that unlived future with Castle. The engagement speech he didn’t get to give, the wedding they never got to hold, the kids they never got to have- and as much as she was scared of it, everybody knew that was where this was going. This would’ve been her it. Her one and done. Her happily ever after. But you know, at least she got almost a year of it.

Right. One year anniversary would’ve been in under a month.

Wonder if he’d find his present, the one she’d stuffed behind her stilettos.

2 to go.

Wasn’t really much more to think about.

She’d miss her dad. God, she hoped they’d look after her Dad. The boys too. Lanie. Even Gates.

Wonder if this would feel anything like getting shot.

Guess this is goodbye.

It’s been fun, world.

It’ll be nice to see Mom again if that’s a thing that happens when you die. Hope she’s not disappointed in me.

And cue the gigantic explosion-

—-

…and she was still here. Excuse me, world, she had been prepared and everything. Why was she still here? Was this some sort of weird afterlife? Was her brain not processing the fact that she was inevitably dead?

Delayed explosion, maybe?

Hurried footsteps outside in the hallway made her turn and look, seeing Castle barge into the room, followed by the harried bomb squad guy. She looks dazedly at them, not comprehending the whole I’m-not-dead? feeling quite yet. Not like she hadn’t had it before- I mean, after being alive after getting shot and almost being blown up by a nuclear bomb and almost drowning etc. etc. etc., it was a familiar feeling. But it hadn’t sunk in. At all.

Until that is all of a sudden Castle was given some sort of all clear and he came flying at her, drawing her up into a massive hug and crushing her to him as if he couldn’t get her any closer.

“I’m… alive?” she questions, mind still not having quite caught up.

“You’re alive,” he says, setting her down to crush her to him in a kiss, “You’re alive.”

“I’m alive,” she repeats, a small laugh coming up from somewhere in that overwhelmingly relieved heart of hers, “I’m alive!”

“Alive!” he parrots back at her, “Alive.”

They just sort of stand there for ages just saying ALIVE back at each other like two little kids who only know the one word, crushed into each other in an embrace. And no matter how unimaginably awkward it must be for the team, who she vaguely registers has now entered and are now waiting for the two of them to finally break apart, she doesn’t let go.

Alive.

She was alive.

1 month ago · 50 notes
#I MADE IT LONGER LOOK #castle #5x21 #fanfiction #speculation #spoilers #spoiler #spoilery #spoily